SEXIEST PERSONS ALIVE

Friday, February 10, 2012

in which the wedding guest makes a request



When the wedding invite says, dinner and dancing, please follow through with food substantial enough to be considered dinner.

Or, simply state "hor d'oeuvres and dancing" (dancing hor 'doeuvres?).
This guest would have been quite happy, at this point preferred, to feed herself in one of the many restaurants she passed on the way to the wedding location.
If you do serve hor d'oeuvres only despite the misleading invitation, please see to it that enough are served to accommodate all of your guests. As opposed to empty chip baskets and dip depleted bread bowls.
You could also have the wedding in a town bigger than a thumbnail so that your borderline hypoglycemic guests can order pizza past midnight.
Failing these requests? Your guest, in anticipation of a reception meal, might just
(1) eat very little by day 
(2) confidently slurp stout drinks 
(3) feel slightly feint at the sight of empty hor d'oeuvre platters 
(4) continue drinking with a vengeance because by now friends know her drink and are happy to retrieve from the open bar without being asked and, doesn't that feel nice? to be brought drinks without having to ask?
(5) make way to the dance floor, flinging toward only slightly willing partners (any pulse will do!) 
(6) attempt line dancing
(7) fail miserably
(8) realize through blurred vision that a meal never did follow the nearly non-existent nosh
(9) black out for an hour, or two (repeating #5-7)
(10) eventually find herself back at the hotel, stumbling through the corridors in search of vending machines and, finding nothing more substantial than a Twix bar, progress to the night clerk slurring, pith-zza? pith-zaa delibbery? only to discover there is no food delibbery within 40 miles 
(11) cry sloppy tears
(12) drink some more 
(13) wind up passed out drunk, face down on the end of her hotel bed, husband's lifelong friends meandering and conversing above her big ass, undoubtedly wondering why the furk, at her age, she hasn't learned to handle her booze and, probably, assuming it must be a Jersey thing.

Yes. So. Wedding planners? Meals are appreciated (but only if promised).

And bride in ballet dress and gold slippers?  You looked adorable. 

Which is all that really matters.  

17 comments:

Aunt Snow said...

Oh, dear. I'd take you out for a nice post-hangover bowl of menudo or pho or matzo ball soup if I could.

I once worked as an event planner for a museum that had a membership base whose demographic was Really Old. The director firmly instructed me to cut back on the amount of food provided for an Opening Reception, because she did not want to set up expectations that she would feed her guests.

It went against every professional instinct I have in me!

Even so, you should have seen the fist-fights at the buffet table.

Red Shoes said...

When I am invited to events such as this, I am old enough and cynical enough to doubt whatever the invitation says anyway... Like what you stated, if I pass something really great or unique, I will leave a bit early so that I can stop at that place and eat...

I like the demographic that Aunt Snow mentions for the museum... 'really old' LMBO!!!

~shoes~

smalltownme said...

Nothing worse than skimpy food. I also don't like that long long delay between the ceremony and the reception, when the bridal party is taking pictures and the guests are twiddling their thumbs.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I haven't had a night like that in 10 years, and I hope never to have one again.

Oy!

Lee said...

Funny stuff. I always take a protein bar with me on a bike ride in case of bonking. Never thought it might also be a good idea for weddings as well. Thanks for the heads up.

andrea frazer said...

You say things so well. It's hard not to be cranky. I get being on a budget, but honestly, if you can't do it right, it's best not to do it. Then again, we all have different definitions of it. I'm learning more and more that my versions are not others and while at times its humbling, it's often scary. How can wearing a tube top in winter to Costco be okay? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Love it. Hope the piz-thah hit the spot.

That Janie Girl said...

I'm sorry there was no food, but dang your telling of the event was funny!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

How awful not to have enough food (but evidently plenty of libations) for party guests. I would NEVER show up well-fed to a wedding! But I live in the land of "broasted chicken or beef tips?" with a side of stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cole slaw, rolls and cranberry sauce.
(Though I have gnawed my way through many a stick filled with whiskey-marinated maraschino cherries, pickled mushrooms and olives while waiting for the damn wedding to arrive at their reception so we can sit down and eat.)

Tammy said...

It's been close to 10 years since I participated in drinking event like that! Don't want it to happen ever again, haha. Loved reading your recap of the evening and at the same time felt your pain!

Sunny said...

The wedding sounds fun ;)

Mental P Mama said...

Yikes. Did they at least give you all some Tylenol in a goody bag?

Susan said...

We had an afternoon wedding with hor d'oeuvres but the caterer really, really skimped (we had to sue them) and with the open bar my dad insisted on - we probably had some people in the same state! Luckily we had it in a city with dinner available.

You poor thing - hope the headache wasn't too bad.

dkuroiwa said...

oh, my....i'm so sorry this all turned out that way...i hope that your recovery was quick.

just for the record...i miss dancing at weddings. here, they don't do that...and if you are ever invited to a wedding party, there is usually too much food (but really bad speeches and performances so it evens out!).
if you're lucky enough to be invite to the second or third parties, there might be dancing at those!!! there's always booze and karaoke....

Kathleen Scott said...

Oh that's funny. And I bet everyone who reads it remembers a similar story. Hope the next day wasn't too bad.

momiss said...

Lord, girl, have I ever been there. I stopped drinking and never looked back. Not that I wouldn't still drink if I was willing to be in this shape again, I'm just not. There are some places I just don't care if I ever go to again, ya know? lol
When I had the twins I got into the habit of carrying lots of prepackaged foods with me everywhere. You should try that--just make sure it's better than the vending machine selections!
Hope you have recovered!!

JCK said...

Forgive me for laughing, but this was oh SO funny. Perhaps because I could relate to this a little too well. Am hoping they had a giant buffet breakfast in the morning?